I can't do this alone. God, I need you to hold onto me.

Happy Birthday, Matt!!

Today is Matt's birthday and the cooks at PH made this wonderfully delicious cake so we could celebrate and sing "Happy Birthday" to him, in Spanish of course!

It's also April's Fools day and Tristan told us we are not allowed to play any pranks on each other. However, that did not stop Sarah and I from hiding Matt's hammer for awhile during breakfast just for fun!

After breakfast, we split into two teams again. I was in the group that was going back to Flora's house. Our morning project: mixing concrete, by hand, so we can start laying the floor inside the house. Holy cow--literally mixing the sand, rocks, water and powder with a shovel is extremely hard!! I started losing feeling in my arms after the first hour!! Flora's neighbor, Edgar, has been helping us all week. I think he gets frustrated a lot when he is trying to explain something to us and we can't understand him but then he laughs and smiles so I think he likes working with us! He was pretty much the leader of the concrete mixing project and we just said whatever he "told" us to do because we were basically clueless!

I was so happy when Antonio said it was time to go back to PH for lunch because my arms hurt so bad and I was wondering how I was going to be able to lift one more shovel of concrete! On the other hand, I was also really anxious. Our afternoon project is something I have been stressing about ever since we got our schedule from PH weeks ago. It was time for the prayer walks.

However, first we got to serve lunch to the kids at PH. PH has programs all day long for kids that go to school, that don't go to school, and that really just need to have a meal once a day. Serving lunch was really fun! The kids were so excited to see us and practiced saying "Thank you" in English before they came to the cafeteria. After we gave them their food, we were able to walk around, talk to the kids and sit with them. They LOVED taking pictures of each other with our cameras and then looking at them on the screen. Dale had his video camera and they went CRAZY over that! I'm so thankful that we got to spend time with those kids.


After that, we broke up into three teams for the prayer walks. I was on a team with Benj and Sarah and Antonio was our translator, which I was really happy about because Antonio is so great and we all feel really comfortable with him.....and we were about to do something that is really outside of our comfort zones. The purpose of the prayer walks is to go into a home, listen to the testimonies and stories of the family and the pray for them and with them. We were also giving each family a bucket of food that will last a family of 7 a week and a Spanish bible. I was really anxious about this project because I knew we would hear a lot of very hard stories and I'm not sure how to witness that. This is where I'm really going to need strength from God. His strength is made perfect in my weakness and I'm really weak right now.

Our team went into the Nuevo Amancecer community which is a community very close to PH that we haven't been in yet. Our first stop was at Valentine's house. He is an older man that started "working" in the dump when he was 12 years old. He lives with his wife and their three grand-daughters. His daughter and son-in-law were both shot and killed within five months of each other a few years ago. Valentine and his wife were with his daughter when she was shot. They know who did it but there is no reason to turn them in. The police don't care and it's only going to cause more problems. When his daughter was shot, Valentine and his wife dropped to their knees and begged God for the strength to continue on. Their grand-daughters are, naturally, having a very hard time dealing with the loss of both of their parents. Valentine and his wife are getting older and starting to have more health problems. They are very worried about what would happen to their grand-daughters if they were too ill to take care of them. We all got down on our knees, put our hands on Valentine and prayed for him and his family. It was one of the most spiritual moments I've ever had in my life. Kneeling in a dirty room, outside of a garbage dump..there are few times in my life that I can remember feeling God's presence so strongly.

The next house we visited was right next door to Valentine. An old woman, Justa, lives there all alone. She is almost blind, losing her hearing, and has been suffering from very bad headaches for the past year. I got the sense right away that she wasn't all that excited for us to be there. We would ask her questions and she would speak only to Antonio..makes sense since he is translating for us but most people we have met will talk directly at us and the translator will translate, and we'll talk directly to them and the translator will translate and so on. Justa made it clear that she was talking to Antonio and only Antonio. She lives in horrible conditions. She has chickens in her house..I'm assuming for eggs and at some point, for food. There were rats running around everywhere. It was hard for me to see someone living like this..but her testimony was even harder for me to process. Justa is very lonely. She has two sons-one was shot and killed and the other lives in a nearby community but he works a lot driving a garbage truck so she doesn't see him often. She had a sister that she was very close with and was a "mother figure" to her but she recently died. Justa told us that she is so lonely that sometimes she wishes she could disappear. She said she wants to walk out into the city and she hopes that something bad happens to her so she doesn't have to come back. This broke my heart. I couldn't help but start having tears stream down my face. This is the moment that I have been dreading. I knew it would happen. I knew I'd hear or see something on this prayer walk that would be too hard for me to handle and I wouldn't be able to keep it together. We asked Justa if we could pray for her and she said no at first so we continued talking about her life. We asked again and she agreed and sat in a chair in front of us. We placed our hands on her and she began to cry. We prayed for her health and that God would reveal Himself to her as her friend and companion so she would not feel lonely anymore. Then I saw God's Kingdom advance just a little bit...Justa looked up at us and with tears in her eyes, thanked us and blessed us. This was the first time she had even looked at us since we came into her home. Seeing God work through Justa while we were there left me in awe. She told us that she'd never forget us and asked us to never forget her and to always pray for her. I don't think I ever could ever forget her or what happened in her house.

Our last stop was a few houses down from Justa's house. It was a rather large family..there are three daughters-two of which have two kids each-and two sons, but one was shot and killed right outside their house. This has been such a common theme that I've noticed since we got here. Every family we've met has lost a family member to a violent crime. One day last week, there were 30 people shot and killed. 30 people in one day. Crime is so prevalent here that it's not out of the ordinary to have a family member get shot. The mother of this family, Dora, is a Chrisitian. Everyone else in her family are also believers except her husband, Julio, and one of her daughters, Sonya. They refuse to accept Christ into their life. She asked us to pray for their salvation, so we did. I hope that God will work in their lives and they will come to accept Him as their Savior.

During our prayer walk was the first time since we got here that I have been scared for my safety. When we were at Valentine's house, he told us that he knows his neighbors a few houses down shot and killed his daughter and son-in-law. He also thinks that they sell drugs. When we left his house, we saw the neighbors that he was referring to. They live next door to the last house we visited. There were three men standing outside of their house. They didn't have shirts on and we could see guns in their belts. They looked at us with pure hatred and evil in their eyes. The way they were glaring at us made it VERY clear that we were not welcome in their community. The evil look in their eyes will haunt me forever. It was at that moment that the thought of being killed entered my mind. Many missionaries, especially from other countries, go on missions expecting to die in Jesus' name. They are prepared to die in His name. Am I? At that moment, I didn't think I was so I prayed to God..."Please, please, please surround us with safety." We still had two more houses to visit so we weren't leaving this community anytime soon. It was then that I felt an overwhelming calm and peace come over me. I know that I'm going to make it home from Guatemala. Whether that home is Milwaukee or Heaven, I don't know, and it's not in my control. Maybe this was the plan..for me to die in His name, while serving a mission that He called me on. Maybe that's how more people are going to come to know God. Maybe that was the purpose of my life. It was not something I wanted to think about at that moment, however, it's a reality right now. I'm in a city with one of the highest crime rates in the world. We're in communities that people from Guatemala won't even go into. I'm white, Christian and American and not everyone is happy to see us...but I'll make it home-whichever home He has chosen.

That moment, where I feared for my life, was a turning point in my relationship with God and I strongly believe it's the main reason why He called me to come to Guatemala.

Dinner and the rest of the evening was tough. I knew it was going to be. Going into someone's home and witnessing their struggles is an extremely hard thing to do. I thank God that He gave me the strength to get through it and even though my heart is so heavy right now, I still feel completely blessed by the people I met today and the stories I heard. The people in these communities live in poverty. There is no doubt about it. But spiritually, they might be more wealthy than I am. They put my faith to shame. I feel so honored and blessed to have seen their faith in the Lord. While it was a very discouraging situation, I feel more encouraged in my faith.

Our debriefing session this evening was very emotional. I didn't want to lose it in front of the whole team, but I have a hard time keeping my emotions in sometimes! As soon as I opened my mouth, I completely broke down. I sobbed and questioned why God thought I was strong enough for this. My team was my rock, once again. Matt prayed for me, and I felt really encouraged. After hearing everyone else speak about their experiences, I could tell that I was not alone in how I was feeling.

After debriefing, Becky and I went for a walk around the seminary. We were both struggling with a lot of emotions and needed some time to cry, talk, reflect and pray. We had a really good talk about why each of us thinks God called us on this mission. I had a feeling before we left for Guatemala that God called me to go more so to improve our relationship, than for any other reason. And I believe that was validated today. I have always struggled with the fact that God controls my life. I want to control everything and I have tried many times. I have never been able to surrender everything over to Him, even when I have really wanted to. Today, I had to. God had to send me to Guatemala, put me in a horribly dangerous community, put some men with guns in front of me, and let me fear for my life before I would surrender complete control of my life to him. I guess I'm stubborn! It worked though. Our relationship deepened today in so many ways that I can't even verbalize it right now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to verbalize what happened in me today, but I do know that my life and my relationship with God will never be the same again. For that, I'm so blessed.

I fell asleep with this song in my head....


I'm giving You my heart, all that is within
I lay it all down, for the sake of You my King

I'm giving You my dreams, laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
All the world holds dear, I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing You, for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain